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title: The Space for Spiritual Companioning author: Wouter
Deruwe address: Keiemdorpsstraat 106, 8600 tel.: 00 32
51 50 14 26 e-mail: dehoeksteen@diksmuide.be THE SPACE FOR SPIRITUAL
COMPANIONING Small though they are,
humans seeks to live fully and freely. They search for a space where they can
breathe, a place where they can be. It is God who provides this space. Spiritual companioning
can help a person discover and enter this space. This is quite a challenge,
implying responsibility as well as freedom. Responsibility, because the
director may help to clarify the unique relationship between the directee and
God. Freedom, because God allows this to happen in a mutual, never to be forced
relationship between directee and director. How do spiritual
companions do this? What relationship have they with God that they may and dare
assume this responsible liberty? Or, to put It differently: what is it that The
Father offers to some people for them to feel able to accompany fellow
travellers on their way to Him, with a mature sense of freedom and
responsibility? The answer is: the
‘Love-space’ of God, inside which a person finds life to the full. 1. The importance of
space in the life of a person. Every human person
comes into existence in the tiny, restricted space of the uterus. This fact
offers a kind of primal metaphor of the space a human being needs alt through
life (1). The space inside the
uterus offers the possibility of expansion. The foetus finds there the
environment needed for nourishment and growth. On the other hand, the uterus is
restrictive, it imposes boundaries on the growth of the future person and has
even a well-defined ultimate limit. Both aspects - limitation and openness -
are needed for life to develop properly. Life would not be able to develop
inside the uterus if the latter did not have boundaries that are determining.
One speaks of the ‘oceanic feeling’ of a foetus. Would it have that same
feeling were it to find itself in a real ocean? It is precisely due to the
protective boundaries of the uterus that all that is in there can do its work
of fostering growth. At first sight boundaries seem to reduce the expansion of
the nascent life, in fact they challenge this developing life to use all the
available opportunities of growth to be found within that limited space. The
opportunities offered within these limits prove to be much better for the
foetus than if it could break out of the space all too quickly! A ‘space’, therefore,
is a well-defined environment closed enough to be safe and open enough to
facilitate expansion. Only when a space offers both these facilities, does it
have the required conditions for causing life ‘within its womb’. As soon as one
of these two is missing or is over-emphasised, life cannot develop fully. Thus,
when persons get trapped inside too closed a system, they cannot unfold and
cannot develop their own identity. In a too open system, they will drift and
will not develop a personal identity. Two examples. Teenagers develop a
capacity for thinking critically. How do their relations deal with this? They
can offer a space that is too restricted: every criticism is then torpedoed
with the comment that ‘later you'll be wiser’. In this way the young will be
hampered in developing a mature personal vision of reality. They may even
develop a counter-identity. However, the 'space' may also be too open: every
criticism is then received and smoothed over without contradiction. This way of
doing omits to offer the necessary confrontation which the young need to
determine their own boundaries and identity. It may induce them to believe that
‘it is all the same after all’. Offering a 'space' to the critical thinking of
the young means accepting to engage in a clinch with them over what they think.
It implies honest listening to their arguments - even helping them to formulate
them - and at the same time daring to advance one's own arguments. It means
making them feel welcome to their own critical powers, even stimulating them,
without omitting to show them clearly the limits of their reasoning and
pointing out how they can safely and worthily operate inside these limits. A young couple may fall
over head and ears in love with each other. How will they deal with this? Will
the one put such a claim on the other that his/her love will smother the other,
leaving no space for, say, other contacts, a hobby or leisure? Will the one
feel so consumed by the fascination of the other that there is no room for
development? In this case, the 'space' is 'closed'. Or, instead, is
the relationship so loose that the other is 'used', that s/he is treated as an
exchangeable item? The other is then seen as an object and their being in love
a place in which a human being cannot be enhanced. In this case, the 'space' is
too open. Or can their amorousness turn into a space of love, in which each can
become their true self? These obvious examples
show how important 'space' is for a human being. These examples were
not chosen at random. The attentive reader will have noticed that each of them
may be located in one of the three basic dimensions of the human being: in the
body, the soul or the spirit. To offer sufficient space in only one of these
three dimensions would be a mistake: none of the above examples may be
approached from one angle only. The space so vital for the full development of
our life is to be provided in all three dimensions at one and the same time! It might be a good
exercise for a spiritual director to examine what space would be needed, in
each phase of a person's development, for that person to grow properly, and how
these three dimensions need to be recognised and attended to in each phase.
More concretely yet: one could examine how this is the case for each of one's
directees and ponder to what extent one may offer or point out the needed space
for that person. We now want to find the
source of this experience of 'space'. Where can spiritual companions
find the inspiration to offer such a 'space' to those they accompany? This
source is the space offering the largest room for life to blossom: it is God's
Love. 2. The space of God's
love is life-giving We noted above that a
'space' needs to be sufficiently limited yet sufficiently open for it to
facilitate the growth of a human person. Not an easy balance to achieve! When
this 'space' is to be not merely physical but also mental and spiritual, we
readily grasp that it is not easy to find the most suitable space for fostering
life to the full. Ultimately, that most suitable space is the space of God's
Love. But, in order to grasp this fully, we must first scrutinise the deepest
need of the human person. By nature, humans are
beings-in-development. Because people live in time yet at the same time attempt
to go beyond time, they want to achieve something within the time at their disposal; they want to achieve a
purpose. This purpose may have various concrete forms but, ultimately, what
matters is that people want to live the kind of life that will give them the
utmost fulfillment: a life where they know and feel that they ‘may be there’.
Yet we know that this basic acceptance does not merely depend on us; that is
why we reach out to others and strive after specific goals. If being accepted
as a person is so crucial for us, we can say in other words that what is
crucial for us is Love. Love in two directions. On the one hand, it is love
that pushes a person to reach out to others. Love given puts me and the other
in life-giving dynamics. On the other hand, love received is just as needed
because it gives us the spark that ignites our giving love to the other. Love
received puts us in the light where we may really be ourselves; this is the
place in which we feel most deeply fulfilled in our search for a fulfilled
life. Love offers us the required space to find the way into ourselves. Love is
the transcendental space. Without love a human being merely clings to the here
and now. Here we reach a delicate but central point. If love is to be received,
it implies that it comes from outside myself. The other can indeed be a source
of love for me. Love is an inter-personal experience. But is that the ultimate
explanation? What happens if love is not to be found in the other? A tragic
example is the unwanted child. What happens if, limited as we are, we feel
unable to give the amount of love another really needs, or when our love is
colored by selfishness and the other is smothered rather than offered living
space? I cannot get away from it: I must conclude that there is a source,
outside both myself and the other, from which I can receive love. The human
person can reach out to a ‘soulmate’ who is beyond him/herself and from whom
s/he is born. The deepest ‘mover’ of the human spirit is God's Spirit. S/He
creates the love-filled space in which a person can set out on her/his journey.
‘I am created unto You’. This saying, issued from the experience of many,
indicates the movement and its direction. God's spirit becomes my breath, God's
power becomes my moving force, God wishes me life, and life in abundance (see
John 10:10). 3. The learning attitude of the spiritual companion We now come to the core of what we intended with this article: the
fundamental attitude of spiritual
companions. What is it that makes us willing and able to shoulder the
responsibility of accompanying a directee? Or, looked at from another angle:
what is it that enables us to live in that space of love ourselves? In our opinion, it is
that we allow ourselves to be touched by this divine love, that we let
ourselves be positioned inside this divine space, that we ourselves learn to
live in this space, that we abandon ourselves to this life-giving God of love (2). Abandoning ourselves
means daring to trust that we shall receive the space, a good space allowing us
to grow into full maturity. We speak of 'daring' because this trust is by no
means self-evident. It implies a risk: that the other may impose limits on us,
while we prefer to set these limits ourselves if they are needed! In our desire
for autonomy, we tend to think that we know better what is best for us. Hence
this abandonment entails fear of restriction, of loss of freedom, of loss of
self. It is the anxiety of too closed a space. A second risk is so to speak the
reverse: the other to whom I entrust myself might want to bring me beyond my
own boundaries - or beyond what I deem to be my limits. Perhaps the space which
the other will offer me will be larger than what I think to be possible for me,
and things might be expected of me which I cannot - or will not - shoulder.
This causes fear of unforeseeable adventures, of too much responsibility, of
loss of self. It is the anxiety of a too open space. Is it not significant
that precisely those aspects of sufficient space which we so need - boundaries
and openness - are the ones that inspire fear in us when the time comes to live
them? Yet, we must not be that surprised that this basic need and the fear of not
seeing it met, go hand in hand. After all, the fulfilment of this deepest need
remains for us an unknown. And here we find the
learning attitude of spiritual companions. We need to be leaders and
forerunners in entrusting ourselves to the space of God's Love. It is from the
fulfilment we ourselves experience in that space that we can become living
witnesses of the answer this trust offers to the human need. Directors need to
be 'precursors', scouts as it were in going beyond fear, 'firstlings' of the experience
that the space offered us is indeed the place where it is good to live. In this
way the space of God's Love is for directors no longer an unknown and unfilled
territory, since they have a personal experience of the fulfilment to be found
there! They can make others share in this experience they know of. This is the
typical situation of companioning: alone, we go ahead of our directees into a
space where none has been yet and, at the same time, we take them in tow. We
share with others the certitude we acquire in our own experience, so that they
in turn may go beyond their fear of abandoning themselves in trust. Our
personal experience must of necessity precede our companioning, otherwise we
will seek to 'convince' directees on the basis of mere theoretical
knowledge. Persuasion can become an assault on their freedom. Witnessing, on
the contrary, allows them freely to be touched by what they can sense is coming
from the experience of that' space of Love'. This implies that it
ought, somehow, to be noticeable that a spiritual companion is habitually
moving within this ‘growth-space’ of God. This will probably be the case if a
spiritual director is seen to be a person of prayer - for prayer is abiding in
God's space - and if s/he is seen to be consciously working at his/her own
growth within that space. ----------(Expanding on
these two criteria will be material for a subsequent article.)---------- ** Prayer is living in
God's space The essence of prayer
is expressed in this sub-title: prayer is abiding in God's space. This can
imply all kinds of things: thanking, imploring, praising, adoring, but also
walking in nature, cycling to work, singing, gardening, meeting people, and -
also - companioning. Let's expand somewhat on this statement. Probably nobody will
deny that we can define prayer as relating to God. Do we speak with God or
simply about God? Do we enter into a relationship with God or do we remain at a
distance? That's what makes prayer different. God encounters us in the space
God offers us. God's open arms create the space for encountering us; it is a
space that fosters growth in freedom. An encounter of that nature offers
precisely the basis for a genuine relationship. In this way God creates the
very condition which makes prayer possible. From our side, we need to do no
more than enter that space, abide in it, and live in it consciously. Prayer is much more
than saying a prayer. The latter is not without importance as it may serve as a
doorway to that God-space, as a help to abide in it with awareness and thus to
allow the relationship to grow on us. Basically, however, prayer concerns our
every act and word and thought, our entire life - or lack of it. What matters
is that we can surrender everything into God's open arms and let it all grow
inside God's space. It has to do with awareness - in the concrete aspects of
daily life - of God's all-encompassing presence and of the fact that without
God we wouldn't even exist. It means abandoning oneself to God's gracing life
current, and knowing that one is carried by that current towards horizons
beyond oneself, further than one can guess. This happens in all
life situations! Action and contemplation are sides of the same coin!
‘Contemplation’ stands for ‘abiding with our life in God's space’. ‘Action’ stands
for ‘making our way within this God-space’. Both equally belong to living
within the space of God. Both are equally ‘prayer’. Prayer holds both of them. It is vitally important
for spiritual companions to be consciously in relationship with God. Prayer is,
therefore, indispensable for them. It must be their daily food. It must be the
lamp of their existence. It is the respiration by which they not only inhale
oxygen but the ‘breath of life’, God's Spirit. Minute by minute it becomes the
refrain of their life: God is concerned about me and I about God! Spiritual
directors grow in their own relationship with God by living in this prayerful
manner, ongoingly conscious of their being inside this space of God's love. This way of living
prayerfully may seem farfetched but it isn't. It really is very simple for it
doesn't require all that much time: in all the small and big moments of a day
to be aware for a fraction of a second of our being within this God-space.
Concretely it means that in every situation and at every moment we realise that
here, in this spot, in this person, God is present to us, in view of this
situation. Such an awareness helps us to recognise everything from within this
love-space of God: what does God intend to offer me here so that I may grow?
what does God wants me to do in this situation with an adult sense of
responsibility? application to the
direction relationship It is clear how
necessary it is to apply this to the relationship of companioning. The purpose
of that relationship is precisely to introduce the directee into this
‘love-space’ of God. The director must make it possible for the directee to
experience this introduction concretely. This may happen in a
variety of ways; I like to point out three of them here. First of all spiritual
companions need to pray regularly for their directees. They must take them
explicitly into the space in which they themselves abide. This they do so as to
recommend them to God from within their own intimate relationship with God, but
equally so that their directees may have a share in this relationship. In fact,
directors ought to go as far as allowing their directees to occupy a part of
that most intimate space, to grant them (a part of) their own (inner) life
(space). It is, further,
necessary that directors be aware of entering the God-space, or of abiding in
it, each time a meeting takes place between them and a directee. The
relationship between them must somehow mirror the relationship between God and
the directee. This also means that the space directors create for their
directees ought to be a reflection of that life-giving love-space of God.
Directors need to ‘create’ this space expressly, conscious of the fact that it
is after all not their own space in which they operate. One could expand on how
to create such a space. May I be allowed simply to give a personal example. My
living room is the place where I receive people. It is a cosy room I can come
home to, and where people say they feel also somewhat like coming home. On the
mantelpiece hangs a crucifix and a representation of Christ, especially
designed for my ordination. It is a piece that is very dear to me and which
speaks to me of the love of God that encompasses us. Whenever I am on the point
of meeting a visitor, I let my eyes - and with them my thoughts and my work -
rest on this figure. This only requires a short time for me to become aware of
the weight of the coming moment when I shall encounter someone in the
God-space. The fact that the figure remains on the mantelpiece during the
entire encounter and that it looks as it were over my shoulder to what I am
doing and saying, provides an ongoing awareness of the fact that it is finally
God who is at work here, and that I am allowed to be his free and responsible
collaborator. Finally, let it be
briefly repeated here that spiritual directors may at the appropriate time bear
witness to their directees of what I just described, as well of their own life
in God's space. However this may only be done with due consideration of where
directees stand at a given moment. We can give witness to God's life-giving
love without even using words such as 'God' or 'Love' in case these would
provoke only resistance or pain in the directee. **Development of the
director's own identity The previous paragraphs
dealt mainly with the inner resilience of spiritual directors. Next wish to
look at growth aspects of their person, well aware that the two mostly run
parallel. We spoke sufficiently
of the need for spiritual companions to become responsibly free. Notice that we
spoke of ‘becoming’, not of necessarily already being so, as a prerequisite for
being a helper. Unlike in medical or psychological therapy, the presupposition
with regard to spiritual growth is that the optimal condition can never be
reached within a lifespan. We are dealing with a continuous growth process, and
this holds for directors as much as for directees. However, as the former need
to act as ‘forerunners’ and ‘pointers’ for the latter, they will need to walk
ahead in their own process of development. Here as well they will need to
overcome the fear of losing themselves by surrendering to the growth-space
provided by God. For God wants the best
for people. The space provided by God is the one most suitable for them and it
is different for each individual. It is precisely within the space offered to
them by God that people can develop properly. Hence, if spiritual directors
desire to grow into the full stature of a Christian, they need to entrust
themselves to the dynamics of growth that are inherent to the space provided by
God's love. The fear they may have of their own plans (of a self-conceived
identity) thereby being thwarted must be superseded by the trust in the design
of God - who knows them better than they may ever know themselves. This growth process
within the space provided by God takes place in the three dimensions of a
person's existence. A few words on each of them. It is obvious that our
development into adulthood has a bodily dimension, but this physical dimension
is also at play all through life. On the one hand, there is the continuous
development of our bodies - even if at a certain age we experience it more as a
deterioration than as a growth. Within the space of God's love, we are
challenged, as Christians and all the more so as spiritual companions, to
interpret our bodily processes as an invitation to growth, with and within
their inevitable restrictions. How do people make their bodies always anew
'temples of the Holy Spirit' and 'abodes of God'? On the other hand,
we are at times confronted, apart from our continuous development, with special
events. Some of these (e.g. an illness) may be experienced as negative; others
(e.g. giving birth to a child) will be seen as positive. The 'crisis' such
events can provoke constitutes a privileged moment of invitation to growth.
Spiritual directors need to pay attention to such critical moments and never
circumnavigate them; they are moments when God offers us the space for further
growth into our full identity (3). It must moreover be noted that the bodily
aspect of our life does not only concern our own bodies. Whatever has been said
here about our own bodylines can be applied, mutatis mutandis, to our growth in
dealing with the bodylines of others and with the material world. Recognising
God as Creator, we are free and responsible co-creators in this respect. The same considerations
are valid for the psychological dimension of our existence. How do I develop my
psychic abilities and turn them into an instrument of God? This has nothing to
do with the elimination of eventual psychic deformations. What matters is that
we can also situate our psyche in God's space. Theresa of Lisieux is clear on
that: a saint is not a person who is free of psychic deformations, but a person
who allows God to sanctify them all. A word, finally, on the
spiritual dimension, on that core of the Love-space of God that breathes the
Spirit. In this dimension more than in any other, the spirit/Spirit from whom
we are born and in whom we share knows us better than we know ourselves. Born
into a narrow world which often has no eye for the spirit, people need to
search for horizons that provide space for the growth of their spirit. People
would probably never find it, were it not that the love of God be itself that
space of the human spirit. It is God who provides it, and free of charge!
Through a variety of channels, God makes people experience this spiritual space
and empowers them to grow in it. The most beautiful example - and at the same
time the prototype - of this spiritual space with its immense growth potential,
is the love of parents. It provides the space inside which a human spirit may
be born and unfold. It goes far beyond mere physical birth. A child needs this
love-space for becoming what it is called to be. It is a space in which it can
unfold with safety, in which it is recognised and accepted, in which its growth
is nourished and not smothered, a place in which it can experience that it is
'someone for someone', in short all that we said earlier in this article about
‘space’. What matters here is that without the experience of such a space, one
cannot grow. Without the certitude that one is loved for one's own sake, one
will not adventure into new ways of which one is not sure that they will enhance
one's identity. A space of love encourages identity development; without it a
person merely clings to the familiar. Without this love-space it is impossible
to reach adulthood. Within this same
prototype, the ‘moment’ (that tests a lifetime) of ‘letting-go’ is of great
importance: a child can only become an adult if his parents give him the space
for going his own way. This is the moment young people look for with
expectation; it is at the same time the moment that they are seized with fear -
and for which they sometimes seek support in a 'spiritual elder'. The same
holds for spiritual companions in their relationship with God. They were
granted to experience the warmth and mildness of God's paternal love, and they
feel at home in it. But in order to let them grow, God needs to ‘let-go’ of
them - not in the sense of dropping them but of giving them leeway. God grants
people his trust in their freedom and this is a prerequisite for them to reach
the ultimate identity of a mature Christian. In that same moment, however,
spiritual companions will also know the fear of ‘am I able to do this? Do I
really want this? Is this what I have to become’? Ultimately, it is fear of
responsibility. Only deep trust in the love of God will empower them to let
this fear pass and to take the risk of losing themselves, in the hope of
gaining in spiritual identity. In fact, it is amounts
to becoming more fully human. With the love God bestows, God desires that human
beings unfold in such a way that they come fully into their own. God won't go
for less! Spiritual companions are to be forerunners of this fuller humanity.
They know that every human person is called to wholeness. If they wish to be
ongoing witnesses to this call, they themselves will need to dare advance on
this road. They will have to become ‘wholesome’ persons, one with God, their
will in unison with God's will. Concerning spiritual accompaniment, a question
sometimes raised is: ‘do you accompany people on their road only because God
requires this of you, or do you choose that also yourself? In fact the answer
ought to be: there is no 'or'! 4. “I do have faith;
help the little faith I have" (Mark 9:24) Ought to be … Like everyone else,
spiritual companions are only human, with all the limitations and weakness
inherent in that condition. They do not know everything. They cannot do
everything. They make mistakes with regard to themselves and those they
accompany. They feel powerless because they are still on the road or simply
because things are what they are. They know failure, whether culpable or not.
Even if they try to live in this space where there is also room for failure,
fear of entrusting themselves to it may even prevent them from recognising this
space. Together with love they also know pain, and pain increases to the extent
that love does. For to the extent that they try to live in the light of God's
love, to that same extent they become more poignantly aware of their own
shadow. As spiritual companions grow in awareness of all that is, they also
become increasingly conscious of what is not, in the world around them but most
of all in themselves. It becomes increasingly and painfully clear to them that
love entails suffering, with regard to God as well as with regard to those they
accompany. Powerlessness and failure.
Within the love-space
of God there is an answer to that: it is called forgiveness. This space is so
wide and safe that it can also embrace all human powerlessness and failure, not
so as to cover them up as if they did not exist, but rather to dis-cover them
as places for finding God's power. People are good at covering up impotence and
failure, thereby no longer knowing that they can find love precisely there,
that they may be right there, that there is the spot in which they may be
somebody for Someone. Every human being
experiences something of his not-being. It is an inner struggle to recognise
and accept this. This, too, ought to inspire spiritual companions to be
‘forerunners’. Appealing to their confidence in and their experience of God's
love-space, they ought to surrender themselves utterly to God - also with their
not-being: ‘You have called me. Here I am’. When spiritual directors don't do
this, they cut themselves off from a part of this love-space of God, and can't
really develop further. This 'not-being' part of themselves continues to exist
unacknowledged, blocks further growth and makes them stagnate. Acknowledgement of their smallness and forgiveness are therefore
essential elements of the relationship between spiritual directors and God.
This forgiveness is just as essential in the relationship between director and
directee. And this in two ways. On the one hand, in their interpersonal
relationship itself. It is inevitable that this relationship experiences some
tensions, as a consequence of some aspect of our 'being-not'; both partners are
only human after all. If their relationship is to mirror God's own relationship
with us, the directee will need to experience forgiveness in a human way. On
the other hand directees are, in the course of their accompaniment, bound to be
faced with their vulnerability and their smallness; they will be confronted
with the painful reality of their imperfection. If directees are to develop
further beyond these limitations, forgiveness on God's part will have to find a
place in spiritual direction (4). Let us return to where we started: how can spiritual directors create a
space in which their directees may experience the space of God? From the need
they themselves have of forgiveness it is once again clear that they cannot
fulfil this mandate on their own strength. Ultimately, it is a matter of
‘vocation', a charisma which God bestows on particular persons for the building
of God's People. It is up to every spiritual companion to enter this
life-fostering love-space of God. footnotes: (1) Not without reason
does one at times designate spiritual direction as 'spiritual midwifery'. (2) In classical
spiritual language one could as well speak of obedience to the will of God. As
this way of speaking runs into much misunderstanding nowadays, it will not be
used here. (3) 'Finding life in
crisis’ is the theme of my recent book (in Dutch) entitled: Called to Life.
Crisisintervention and Spirituality, Tielt, Lannoo, 2002. (4) Two remarks are appropriate
here. They would deserve a more elaborate treatment, but fall outside the
scope of this article. 1. That God's forgiveness be part and parcel of spiritual
direction seems a. necessity. Perhaps it is equally necessary that a sacramental
celebration of it be part of it. This, however, does not mean that a sacramental
celebration is to happen within spiritual direction itself, or that spiritual
directors need to be priests. We are deeply convinced that spiritual direction
is a charisma. Consequently it does not require priestly ordination, nor is
it reserved to men. 2. In this regard one could break a lance for a renewed
vision on the sacrament of reconciliation by situating this practice in the
broader framework of spiritual accompaniment and a kind of 'revision of life'.
It is my (limited) experience that people experience the sacrament in this
context as very meaningful and as touching their lives. biographical information: Wouter Deruwe is a priest in the RC diocese of Address: Keiemdorpsstraat
106, 8600 Keiem-Diksmuide, Belgium. Tel. **32-51-50 14 26. E-mail: dehoeksteen@diksmuide.be callout: page 3: A ‘space’, therefore, is a well-defined environment
closed enough to be safe and open enough to facilitate expansion. page 4: Love is an inter-personal experience. But
is that the ultimate explanation? What happens if love is not to be found
in the other? page 5: We need to be leaders
and forerunners in entrusting ourselves to the space of God's
Love. page 8: It is, further, necessary
that directors be aware of entering the God-space, or of abiding in it, each
time a meeting takes place between them and a directee. page 9: It is precisely
within the space offered to them by God that people can develop properly. page 12: forgiveness.
This space is so wide and safe that it can also embrace all human powerlessness
and failure |